Lessons Learned From My Brother's Death

To Live Like You Were Dying .....

One year since the call that brought me to my knees.

One year since I melted into my husband's lap and sobbed on our kitchen floor.

When someone you love dies, suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere - it hurts. It takes a long time to navigate through it all, to process it, if those are even the right words.

I'm still processing, and as we come up to the first anniversary - I'm finally at a place where I'm ready to write ... a little anyways ..... So here we go!

A few days after my brother passed away, I was back home in Columbia, SC, and in my hurry to get home to my family, I realized I forgot to pack any dressy shoes to wear to his service. So I went out to the mall ..... and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

While my world has suddenly slammed to a halt, the rest of the world was still spinning - business as usual!

I remember aimlessly walking up and down the aisles of shoes in Belk, tears streaming down my face and wanting to scream at the strangers around me, 

"DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT MY HEART IS GOING THROUGH?!? 

HOW IN THE WORLD CAN YOU CARE ABOUT SOMETHING AS POINTLESS AS SHOPPING? 

LIFE HAS TO BE SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS!"

What I think I really wanted to scream was,

"DOES ANYONE NOTICE OR EVEN CARE ABOUT MY PAIN?!" 

My husband and immediate family were there, they cared obviously, but they were hurting too. I still felt like I needed help, someone who could make sense of it all, come and help me to pick up the pieces that had suddenly shattered all around me!

Surrounded by people, I was suddenly aware of how desperately alone I was.

I began a journey, trying desperately, to figure out how to live life to the fullest, in real - every day life.

Think for a moment .... 

How do you live life to the fullest when the laundry needs to get done, dishes are piling up, your job demands more and more of you .... 

I'm too busy to live like I am dying!

Life has sped on, and here I am, exactly a year later, and I am surrounded by death again.

I am currently watching my dear friend/Huntersville Dad/Pastor,
sit and wait for his beloved wife to go and be with Jesus after a long battle with cancer.

I remember how it felt, how I thought I needed someone from outside of my family, who wasn't feeling the pain as much as I was, to come and just help me! - This is the urge I had to help my dear friend. As an "outsider" of the immediately family, my heart broke for him, what could I do? How could I help?

Well while he is away, I am the "Pretend Pastor" as I like to call it. So, just like the people in the mall that I hated a year ago, I am now the one, having to carry on business as usual. Writing a sermon, figuring out the lineup of Worship Service, Writing a prayer - it all seemed so pointless, so "little" - I felt guilty for carrying on with life.

Crazy enough, writing this "pointless" sermon turned out to change my life.

 As I was sat in my dear friend's chair, in his office, soaking up all of the Holy Spirit (that I swear is much more powerful in this room) - Jesus laid something powerful on my heart!

If you wait for things to get perfect, before you start living life to the fullest ... you'll be waiting forever.

As I wrote this sermon, diving deeply into scripture - Jesus knocked me over the head with Luke 5:11 

"So they pulled their boats up to shore, left everything and followed Him"

At the end of the message, I asked our congregation to fill out "Going Deeper," Cards, to physically write out what it is that is holding them back from trusting Jesus, from going deeper,  from finding join every day life....

I walked down from the pulpit, sat down next to my dear Pastor friend, who squeezed my knee and handed me his card .... "Let my wife go to Jesus"

Tears streaming down my face, I realized that just as he felt that he was the one in the way,

 I too, am in my own way. 

I am what is preventing me from finding joy and living life to the fullest!

I am my own problem when I let the "concerns" steal my joy.

What I needed that day in the mall, 

what I need while I'm stressed out while my husband travels, trying to work myself and care for a wild and active three year old, 

what I need as I lay in bed at night beating myself up over the day's mistakes .... 

what I need is to get out of my own way - to silence the lies ...

I am my own problem when I let feelings of inadequacy, and guilt make me feel unworthy - not good enough!

I was allowing Satan to steal my joy, to trick me into thinking that I couldn't live THIS life to the fullest ... not right now!

But boy, was I wrong!

I, from that day forward, am choosing to live my life with Jesus in control. 

I am CHOOSING to get out of my own way, to step back each day and find joy - 

joy in the small things .... and MOST IMPORTANTLY 

to let His Truth - His Words control my life. 

I wake each day and spend time meditating on His Word. I'm realistic, remember I'm a working mom and wife, some days this time is shorter than others ... 

but I make the commitment to going deeper, by PURPOSELY removing the lies, and replacing them with His truth. I've got to practice, have to work for the life I want.

If you want to live life to the fullest, to live like you were dying .....

It's time to go out into deep water.

What is it that God is laying on your heart - highlighting for you as the sinking boat, keeping you from enjoying life to the fullest??

Whatever this sinking boat is in your life, 

it's time to pull it to shore, 
LEAVE it

and Follow Him!

My dishes might not get put away, the laundry may overflow,

but I am CHOOSING joy and truth over being busy.

I am choosing to live each day as it if were my last, meditating on God's Word, enjoying my family, laughing, relaxing, and getting out and living this beautiful life that Jesus created for me to live!

And remember, no one said that Living Life to the Fullest, had to look perfect!